We were three shy men (twinks?) in the midst of a ridiculously packed bar, which was already filled with artifacts of butch-realness and only amplified by the hundred-plus bears that crawled about. The back patio barely had room to maneuver. Men lined up for beers or hotdogs, or circled up in gossip groups. The bar sold dollar Rolling Rock while the folks from AIDS Life Cycle raffled off tickets and hustled jello shots. Choosing a Sunday beer bust for our first rehearsal might not have been the wisest choice.

Yesterday was exhausting as we went off on our own to talk with folks in the bar. Upon arriving, we huddled together in the corner arming ourselves with questions to ask and reasons for needing the information. For two hours, we wandered the bar trying to talk with as many guys as possible – which turned out to be 8 total. Not nearly as many as I had hoped, yet it still felt like more than I expected after having spent the first 20 minutes sitting quietly at the bar trying to figure out how to overcome my desire to wallow in my isolation. I worry that we all feel overwhelmed by being on our own in this culture. Multiple times it came up that the interviews were easier when we paired up, and I found myself constantly craving the need to be with the other two. At some point, I think we all conceded that hanging out together was an absolute necessity for our sanity.

We don’t exactly fit in. We were probably the three skinniest men in the bar (though I noted that both bar-backs were our build, and in the past the go-go dancers have been our build as well). It’s hard for me to not feel a bit childlike or effeminate when surrounded by hundreds of burly, hairy, casually dressed, drunk men. Demonstrations of masculinity and power abound – slacks didn’t seem to be acceptable wear – the place was packed with growling wolves on t-shirts, leather anything, thick gold rings and nose piercings, wrestling singlets, stark black tattoos – ink that contrasted heavily with the occasional softness of a hand on the lower back or caressing the neck of a neighbor.

And it’s hard to deny that every guy I spoke with yesterday was actively flirting with me. Lots of smiles and laughter. The occasional hand on the thigh or shoulder after a funny joke was made, a slightly wet kiss on the cheek when parting ways, plenty of sexually charged compliments and invitations, and for the first time in my life a stranger offered to buy me a drink. Three times. The nickname bear bait never felt quite so apt.

I wanted to be very polite with everyone. I didn’t want anyone to think they weren’t attractive, so perhaps I subtly flirted back. A way of saying – hey, I’m not one of those jerks who comes into your sacred space and makes fun of everyone… I’m one of you. I too have been hurt by not feeling like I fit in. So maybe I was encouraging it in others – and I’m sure it’s partly responsible for the drink offers. But then someone took it past my comfort point and I froze, uncertain how to respond and what was the appropriate way to say no. I was way out of my element, without anyone there to help me out, and it was only when the Giants scored a run and he was momentarily distracted that I was able to slip away unnoticed. What struck me most about him was that he kept saying he didn’t get along with people here or identify with this crowd at all, he just came for the baseball game. There was such disgust in his voice for the men in the bar… how did this fit into the sense of community that I thought existed at Lone Star?

Here are some things I didn’t originally want to be part of the work, but which I now feel might weasel their way into it: the fear of effeminacy and the street cred of masculinity; outsider anxiety and appropriation of a culture; and the subtle pressure to drink and flirt in a bar.

Read more at Love Balm for My Spirit Child.

Artist-Investigator Michelle Wilson invites you to become a shareholder in her Carbon Corpus project:

Carbon Corpus, is an examination of environmental issues and alternative economies. This project aims to not only examine how to make less of a carbon footprint, but also to scrutinize and critique the difficulties of achieving this goal in modern society, particularly in regards to food choices. I will begin this project by selling the animal-based carbon credits to my own body to “shareholders.” In exchange for their purchase, I will eat a vegan diet for the period of time they purchase.

A “share,” defined by this project, will be a week’s worth of time, during which I will eat a vegan diet. For this Initial Public Offering, a share costs $50.

All shareholders will receive a stock certificate, printed on handmade paper. During the course of the project, I may also invite some investors to participate in interviews to discuss their reaction to becoming shareholders, and what sort of permissions they feel such a purchase grants them. These interviews will be video recorded.

The project will culminate with a vegan meal for shareholders later this summer. There will be no additional charge for the dinner.

Please feel free to contact me if you are interested in becoming a shareholder, or if you have any questions regarding this project – michelle@michellewilsonprojects.com. And I invite everyone to follow the project on the blog – carboncorpus.blogspot.com.

Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Michelle Wilson

Carbon Corpus

Chief Executive Officer

 
Full Balcony is a crowd sourced video performance based on Shakespeare’s famous balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. Cast from online submissions of professional and non-professional actors worldwide, Full Balcony will feature hundreds of Romeos and Juliets remixed into a single video installation exhibited online and at “the Bruns” – home to California Shakespeare Theater this summer.

Here’s how you can participate!

Using a webcam or the built in camera on a laptop, film yourself playing the role of Romeo, Juliet, or both simultaneously.  Send us a copy of that performance, and be part of a unique crowd-sourced production broadcast to thousands of people worldwide.

Submissions will be accepted thru June 7th, 2013.

 Full details and how to participate at www.fullbalcony.org

What is known:

- The piece is called “Cheers!”

- It will take place at the Lone Star Saloon, a queer bar in the SoMa that generally caters to bears and bear admirers. As one of the oldest bear bars in SF, Lone Star has a long history in the community which makes it very compelling for this project.

- I want to know more about two generations of gay men (separated by the AIDS epidemic) and their relationship to bar culture.

- We have two phases for the project – research in May and development of structures and material in September. There will be 6 performances in October. We will be rehearsing in the bar during business hours. Awesome!

- For this investigation, I’ve recruited two wickedly creative and wonderfully brave artists – Mica Sigourney and Stanley Frank. We enter this project with no firm ideas for what the piece will be and no structures I’m determined to explore. We will discover this in the process, either because the process demands it of us, or because we finally got to a point where these things are needed and the process was not delivering.

There are five statements I’ve been sitting with at the moment that I’m sure will inform my investigation (a shout out to Tere O’Connor who prompted some of these thoughts):

1) Being messy and disobedient are opportunities, not problems.

2) Be attentive to our impulses, though not necessarily driven by them.

3) Spend less time thinking about what might be the right answer, and more time practicing variations and seeing what emerges. Try different approaches, and let the comparisons shape the work.

4) Be mindful of product, but let the process be the driver.

5) We’re not trying to be amazing, but it’s fine if that happens.